Susan’s son who is 16 years old just told her that he is gay. She loves her son very much, but she just doesn’t know if she can accept this new piece of information. What will her friends and families think? She knows that her husband will never be able to understand and she is beside herself with worry about how to handle it. Should she:
a. Ignore the situation and hope it’s just a phase?
b. Look for a therapist or specialist that can “fix” him?
c. Accept it but keep it a secret?
d. Tell everyone and become a gay rights activist?
e. Educate herself, surround herself with supportive people and then provide the same for her son.
All of the answers might be appealing for one reason or another, and Susan might find herself considering them all. Let’s take each one and think about the ramifications.
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Ignoring the situation might help Susan temporarily, but it does not provide her son with much needed support during a difficult time. The Family Acceptance Project conducted a study about the effects of parental acceptance vs. rejection on LGBT youth. The results are quite sobering. Their research shows that LGBT youths “who experience high levels of rejection from their families during adolescence (when compared with those young people who experienced little or no rejection from parents and caregivers) were more than eight times likely to have attempted suicide, more than six times likely to report high levels of depression, more than three times likely to use illegal drugs and more than three times likely to be at high risk for HIV or other STDs” by the time they reach their early 20s. http://actionallianceforsuicideprevention.org/news/helping-lgbt-youth-others-learn-cope
Looking for someone to “fix” him will send the strong message that Susan does not support him, that she believes that homosexuality is a choice which it is not, and that he needs fixing. While she will find many sites and resources claiming to “cure” homosexuality, none of the methods are proven, driving home the message that homosexuality can be fixed and the person has to just try hard enough.
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Accepting and keeping it a secret quite simply sends the message that homosexuality is something to be ashamed of. The more people present themselves in their true light, the more accurate an assessment the world can make about people that are gay. That is, that gay people come in all shapes and sizes, just like the general population.
Telling everyone and becoming a gay activist might be okay, as long as it is okay with her son. It is important that Susan keep in mind that being gay is her son’s personal story, and it is up to him to decide when and where to reveal that information. This is where Susan’s love and support become so important. In order for her son to feel strong enough and loved enough to be free of his secret, he needs the love and acceptance of his family. No research shows that homosexuality can be reversed. Plenty of research shows that family acceptance plays an important role in a child’s mental health and stability. And for gay children it has a significant impact on whether or not they want to keep on living.
Below, please find resources that can help parents navigate their feelings and provide the education and support they need to do the same for their children.
In addition, parents can look for support groups for the teens themselves in their city and towns. In Rockville, there are at two examples of groups that meet monthly.
https://www.facebook.com/RockvilleOpenHouse
Finally, this month’s Meet and Greet will focus on LGBT issues and providing a safe space for parents to think, learn and connect with each other on this important way to support their children’s mental health. For more information please visit www.ruthmigler.com
