Cybersafety Forum Talks Parenting in an Online World

The Internet is a permanent part of children's lives, one from which parents cannot keep children completely safe. That was the blunt assessment of a panel of experts during a forum called "Keeping Kids Safe: A Parent's Guide to Cybersafety" on Tuesday at the in Rockville.

Creating open lines of communication is essential if parents are to know what is going on with their children online, said Marlene Trestman, a special assistant in charge of Internet safety for the Maryland Attorney General's Office.

"We don't even use the expression about keeping your kids safe when they go online because there really is no safety," Trestman told more than 30 people who attended the free workshop. It's a matter of keeping them safer by teaching them a skill set, the same as crossing the street, riding a bike or learning to swim, she said.

“We want to encourage our children to take risks responsibly,” she said.

Trestman recommended NetSmartz, a Web site run by the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, that has tips and educational videos on safer Web browsing. Education is key because, "If all that stands between your child and harm is a technology fix, that's not good enough," she said.

Even if you have safeguards on your computer at home, there's nothing to keep your child from using a friend's computer, Trestman said.

Parents can use a number of tools to protect their children, such as Web blockers to filter out inappropriate web sites and Web watchers to keep track of their children’s online activities, said Andrew McGahan, the clinical director for JSSA in Fairfax, VA .

“There’s no expectation of privacy for these kids,” McGahan said. “They’re under 18 and you don’t need a warrant. You’re their parents.”

Trestman, however, cautioned parents against monitoring children’s Web browsing without telling them.

“If you choose to monitor your child, please tell them you’re doing it,” she said, explaining that “kids like having someone they can turn to.”

Similarly, Trestman said the best way to teach their children about online safety is to talk to them about it.

“There is no substitute for trust and communication,” she said.

The workshop addressed cyberbullying and various other online risks, such as inappropriate Web sites, sexting and sexual predators.

Cyberbullying is different from the typical “peer conflict,” McGahan said. The former involves repeated hurtful acts, while the latter is generally brief and isolated. Unlike normal bullying, cyberbullying tends to be anonymous.

It is essential to monitor your child’s computer use, said Trooper Douglass Reiner of the Maryland State Police's Computer Crimes Division. If children receive anonymous messages of a bullying nature, parents should  ignore the communications rather than encouraging the sender to continue by responding, Reiner said. Parents also should keep the interactions on their computer as potential evidence if matters progress to the point where it is not possible to ignore and parents decide to call the police.

Reiner also showed a chilling video in which a 10-year-old girl chats with a grown man posing as another child. The two set up a play date and the predator shows up at the door when no one but the 10-year-old is at home. The rest of the story was left to the imagination of the silent adults in the room.

Reiner said that when impersonating a young girl in a chat room as part of a sting, "right here in Maryland it only takes 45 minutes to have three adults who want to have sex with me."

Seventy-one percent of kids on the Internet have received messages from people they don't know, McGahan said. He stressed the importance of knowing what is normal behavior for your child and stepping in to talk about what might be going on if that behavior changes.

Jennifer Rice, a self-described “secretary-mom,” said that she became aware that her then-12-year-old was not being truthful about who she was talking to and where she was going. It all culminated with a 22-year-old man flying from Chicago to meet the girl. The man is now serving a seven-year sentence in federal prison while Rice's daughter's life has returned to normal through a long and difficult process.

Rice said that it helped knowing she was not the only parent to have dealt with such issues.

“I do everything I can to keep [my daughter] safe,” she said. “I’m friends on her Facebook page and I have her password.”

The forum was an eye-opener even for professionals who work with children.

“The most surprising thing was to find out how easy it is for people to access these very inappropriate Web sites and how easy it is for predators to get to our kids,” said a school psychiatrist who declined to give her name. “I thought it was a little harder.”

Parents don't need to understand all the technology that can keep kids safe online, said Robyn Krugman, a JSSA clinical worker who works with children and adolescents. “That they can learn, experience and question, but they don’t need to be the experts. They just need to be the parents and be involved.”